rbhg: Valentines, dating, choosing a mate, likes, dislikes, marriage, couples, dating issues, personality compatability

Another Lonely Valentine’s Day? 

part 2

Every person on earth at one time or another is turned off by some type of behavior or qualities in the opposite sex. The best thing to do is to figure out before hand just what these qualities are for you personally. Once you have figured out just what those things you can’t stand are, then it’s time to write them down for good and you can watch for them in every new person you date. Should something come up that is on your list, then you can make a quick and classy exit from the situation.

Deal Breakers

These difficulties can be described as “deal breakers”. They are things about another person that turn you off so automatically that you could never see yourself spending the rest of your life with this person. Truth be told, no matter how many positive qualities a man or woman may have, the existence of one of these unpleasant traits will make up your mind immediately all by itself. 

Addictions

But is that unfair? Are negative qualities permanent? Naturally, of course, we would all like to believe the best and have the hope that a person can change, and indeed they can, as a matter of fact. The problem is that some qualities can become so ingrained within a person that only divine intervention can make a difference. Addictions can be a prime example. These are usually learned behaviors and are extremely tough to change. If you have a hard time dealing with another’s addiction, then in the beginning it might be wise to consider that addictions are often the birthplace of a lifestyle.

You may want to instead, consider having the person get help and freedom from addiction before continuing on with the relationship. If not, then you are at risk of becoming that addict’s “go-to” person for all their failed moments of addiction. 

Lying and Duplicity

But, let’s say, the problem is with lying? Remember that loyalty, the real loyalty, is not situationally dependant. If you see the other person lying to persons in customer service, or a policeman, or anyone else, then you had better believe that as soon as the bonds are loosened between you, and the person is not so loyal to you on an internal barometer, then you too will be lied also. 

Have you ever been lied to? How did you react? Do you feel strongly enough to make this a top concern in your “deal breakers”? Lying can be a matter of duplicity also. As an example, I know of someone who has “pretended” about the true nature of a relationship for a very long time. It would be hard for me to imagine being friends with anyone who is capable of that type of long term duplicity. It’s hard to say why this happens with people, but when duplicity is at the center of the matter, anyone can be the next target. 

Cheating

How about cheating? If you saw that someone was a cheater, would you run in the other direction? A deep and committed relationship may indeed be out of reach for someone who cheats. Cheating is all about selfishness. The person’s desire to gratify themselves is first and foremost in the person’s mind, and you may become a distant second. Anyone who has a habit of these infidelities has prepared themselves ahead of time to excuse and talk their way around them. Their rationalization is practiced and believable. But actions speak louder than words.

Domination

Some people out there have a thing for dominating others. They are control freaks, to be sure. They love to get everything they want and give back as little as they can. When they do give, there is usually a price tag involved. This could be with anyone, between anyone. Do you have a relative or roommate who constantly tries to get you to do things their way or think about things their way? Some people are so involved with themselves that they will purposely repeat the same conversations over and over until you see things their way. They really aren’t listening when you speak, they are just waiting for you to give up. Control freaks. Bullies from the school yard, some of them never grow out of it. Don’t ever have someone else take charge of your life, dominating behavior only increases with every inch it is given. Before you know it, you have no say so in anything.   

Money

What if the person is financially irresponsible? Have they made a mess of their financial lives? Could you live with overspending, lack of discipline, and a disregard for budgeting? Some people learn early that the best way to quench their feelings of loneliness or inadequacy is to go to the mall and buy something, be it shoes or a rifle (hunting). If they have no control over their impulses, then you might as well decide right now if you can become a part of their red tape world.

Anger

Ever see the person you are with unload on someone in an angry tirade? Sometimes those other people can be loved ones or family members. This isn’t just a matter of feeling angry. Yelling is one thing, but physical abuse can be quite a whole other matter. This can include throwing things, hitting with a fist or kicking, a terrible potty mouth, and also abusive language. Could you put up with close quarters between you and a person who had a short, violent fuse?

Porn

You’re told by the media that it’s no problem, but porn can indeed be a problem, don’t let them lie to you. Porn turns human beings into things to be used for sexual pleasure. Can a person separate themselves from the fantasy and operate differently in reality? We would all like to believe so, but as I get older I am no longer convinced of this assertation. It’s my considered opinion that whatever you feed into your heart and spirit tends to take root there. The truth is we don’t have that kind of control, we are effected by everything and some people don’t even realize the how and why of their affectation. You can’t fool yourself. 

Alcohol or Drugs

Do you know someone who uses alcohol or drugs beyond the safe limits, if indeed there are safe limits. Can you live with someone who uses either of these two to distraction? Does the person match your own limits on the use of these things? And what about family, does his or her family have a history of alcohol and drug use problems? Consider it.

Smoking

Smoking has a bad name these days. You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting some non-smoking laws somewhere, somehow. If you don’t list smoking as a deal breaker, then consider this: Second hand smoke creates birth defects, makes the blood acidic and can release whatever disease or physical difficulty that might be hiding in your genetic makeup. Smoking is death on a stick. Can you live with death on a stick?

Gambling

How do you feel about gambling? Did you know that professional gamblers rarely do so when there isn’t a major percentage of a chance that they will win? Common folk gambling is really just buying fun. Most people can’t beat the house, it isn’t designed to lose. Those free drinks at the casino are paid for somehow, mostly by those who lose. Money has much more constructive uses than to throw it a casino’s way. Ask yourself if, like a strip club, people who run casinos are really going to be the upright and good standing citizens of our society. Usually you are investing in the criminal element in our society when you gamble, and that is a majority of the time. This goes for offshore gambling, too. Better to give that money to those who are starving in the streets. But can you live with someone who may blow the mortgage on a gambling high?

Sexual Addiction

Does this other person have sex on their mind all the time? Sex is a drug, too. The person who constantly refers to it may have a problem you are only beginning to realize. Believe it, your body can become addicted to your own release of chemicals when orgasm is reached. If that person can’t satisfy this drive with you, then they WILL go somewhere else. Consider it.

Sloppiness

Sometimes a person can be sloppy about their personal appearance or even their living situation due to many factors. They can be too busy on more important things, or they can have higher priorities. But many times, they can just have bad management habits at home and in their personal upkeep. How would you feel about this sort of thing? If a messy car and dishes in the sink is a problem for you, then you had better prepare yourself for that sort of thing for the long haul and decide accordingly. Of course, if you too are a slob, then perhaps things will work out. But remember, sometimes two times the mess can get in the way.

Laziness

A person can also be lazy and not even realize it. Laziness can be attributed to many things, it can  cause all sorts of behaviors too. If a person is blunt and rude and yet finds no problem with that, they may believe themselves to be committed to the truth. The odd fact of the matter though, is that they may also just be too lazy to be concerned about the condition and feelings of other people. Guarded by their intrepid alliance to being truthfull, they unknowingly insult and offend other people by not putting enough efforts into the social interaction that is needed. In my experience, people love politeness. They will beat a path to your door if you show them polite respect in everything you do. But this takes effort. A person can’t be lazy when being social. If you know someone who is blunt, check to see if their life has all the necessary factors one should have and you may see that indeed there is a strain of laziness in their lives.

Procrastination

Procrastinators are aplenty. There are people everywhere who always put things off until tomorrow. This is the reason for deadlines on bills and other matters of responsibilities. Many people just have a hard time doing the daily grind correctly, even in their own lives. They talk about tomorrow, but in truth, tomorrow never comes, and therefore, nothing gets done. So there are charges on bills and late fees and such that take advantage of the procrastinators out there who would never get anything done if it was up to them to run things all by themselves. Would this sort of thing bother you?

Gossip

One of the things I have learned in my professional life is that people can’t resist being important. One of the best, and sneakiest ways to get a point across to another person is to tell another person close to them a secret. OOO! I’ve got a secret! They tell themselves, and sure enough the other person gets your message. Never mind the fact that it was just between you and me. This is a gossip. Gossiping is flat out betrayal. Inside of most people there is a little ego maniac that just loves to be the important one who has some private information to tell you. I’ve done it myself, so I know. I’ve also used this in the past to get a message across to a third person. It’s not right, but you can count on it working. That’s how prevalent gossiping is in our society. People can’t help themselves. They should... but rarely do they. Keep in mind that if a person has a habit of sharing inside information, you may well be the next target. Would this bother you? Would this break the deal? 

Inappropriate behavior

Let’s say you meet someone you really like. Then you go out in public and they exhibit inappropriate behavior. They talk too loud in social gatherings. They could, of course, be somewhat deaf.  Deaf people often speak too loudly because they believe that you will not be able to hear them, due to their own voices being lower than normal to themselves. But still, this can be obnoxious and cause them to lose social contacts for seemingly no reason at tall, as far as they themselves are concerned. They may be lazy socially and make rude comments, laugh at the wrong time and have a bad habit of embarrassing people in the immediate area without even realizing it. Social awkwardness can be a real problem, and also a major condition to deal with. This could be just a personality trait that has been with them for a long time and something they have a blind spot about. How do you tell them they are obnoxious? Most people don’t, usually they just disappear from the other person’s life and the person  is at a total loss as to why the same thing happens over and over again to them. Because no one tells them. But how can you? Would this be a problem  for you in a valentine? 

Stinginess

Other persons have a real problem with money. They may be stingy to a fault and not realize that social behavior always costs something. It’s only a correct thing socially to share costs. If we all go out to dinner, we should at least pay for our own meals. Of course, I realize that sometimes there are wrong policies about paying for a single check with a group. One can end up paying more of a percentage than someone else due to that person ordering more or perhaps something more expensive. These things should be settled ahead of time in order to avoid confusion, but would it bother you if your date was one of those who headed for the rest room when the check arrives? This can happen in other ways also, some people are not aware of their freeloader habits. This could be a real deal breaker for you since the behavior is often rooted in selfishness. This selfishness will show up in other parts of your relationship, too. Would this bother you? Would this be a deal breaker?

Potty mouth

Potty mouths can be a strange social phenomenon. If someone is from an environment where every other word is some hate filled expletive, they may be totally unaware that they have a language problem. But it can be a real deal breaker. Curse words are often the result of laziness too. They are an easy second hand reference for an emotional way of speaking. Not every word is an adjective for anything and everything, but their friends and family know just what they mean even though the choice of words is really way off the definitive point. In my experience, a potty mouth is angry inside about something. This anger is venting all the time in much of their speech. Unless they get rid of the anger and hate in their inner lives, this language will never go away and the anger will manifest itself in non verbal ways you may not like when the pressure is on in a tight situation. Trust me, it happens, and it is NOT fun. 

Dependance

How dependant is the other person? Do they go to mom for answers too often? Are they a part of a group of friends that always need to be checked with before any decisions can be made? Keep in mind that behaviors like these and the others I have mentioned often DO NOT go away once  a lifetime commitment has been made. Everyone needs to have some type of mature level of personal standing in their responsibilities, if not, then this person may go from person to person latching onto anyone who will help them to stand up, so to speak. Would this break the deal for you?

Arrogance

Relationships have to be a two way street of mutual sharing. If another person has an attitude that they are always right and know better than you do, they may have a problem with arrogance. It’s not necessarily their fault. They may have picked up this trait from someone who was a  mentor in their young lives. Someone who WAS always right, and seemed to always make a success of things. It would be only natural for this person to adapt this attitude as a key to living, but would it break the deal for you? This too can be a blind spot, and is often the result of narrow vision in the social realm. Keep in mind that someone who has lived alone too long may have developed habits that are socially odd, due to their not being required to make the effort to accommodate the general populace attitude. They can find it restricting to constantly have to keep things simple and obvious in everyday dealings with other people, and this can come off as arrogant too. You would need to see the person’s whole picture of their lives to understand why this habit is so prevalent and un-obvious to they themselves.

Intolerance and Correctness

A lot of subjects like “spiritual intolerance” or “political correctness” can be a real sticking point for a couple. Many times the reality of these things comes down to a matter of definition. If you can’t even agree on the definitions of what these things mean or what they refer to, then there is going to be a real communication problem. There is, of course, always room for mature social compromise, and a deeper understanding of the other persons feelings and beliefs on these subjects. If this is possible, and can be successfully achieved over the long haul, then this can be a “deal maker”. The problem is that one never wants to violate someone’s conscience. If something is considered wrong, then it is wrong for them, and there is no getting away from that. It would also be wrong to try to convince them otherwise. Deal breaker? Maybe.

There are other, myriad minor points to consider, some I have not touched on at all, and you should have at least some of your own that are important to you. The point is, deal breakers need to be considered and not just given a back seat to infatuation or “love at first sight”. The best decisions are made by those who give paramount importance to the long term consequences.

I hope this has helped, and good love to you. 

rbhg: Valentines, dating, choosing a mate, likes, dislikes, marriage, couples, dating issues, personality compatability

Another Lonely Valentine's Day?

So you’ve spent another Valentine’s Day by yourself. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, seeing as the holiday is really all about marketing. Especially the marketing of diamonds. If you think they are all that great of a gift, just consider that Prince William got a sapphire ring for his fiancee’ instead of a diamond. The Prince of England knows the true value of diamonds.

But let’s say you would rather not spend another year wishing and hoping and you would like to have some sort of plan. You wouldn’t of course want to force anything, these things of finding the person for you, for the rest of your life, are dynamic occurrences. They happen in the moment, but you can arm yourself better for keeping a look out for those who pose potential material that would suit you. So let’s talk about those things, both the things most people must have and those things that may be a warning sign to others and resulting in single Valentine’s days for you.

Any couple that is looking for long term happiness needs to be experienced in recognizing emotional health. No marriage is stronger than the emotional health of the weakest partner. If you are currently seeing someone who is overly self absorbed, paranoid, overly defensive, has anger management issues, or anything else that signals emotional health problems, then watch out. Marriage has a way of magnifying the problem, not solving it.

You also have to be able to trust a person. When they have a strong character, they are about truth. They tell you the truth, they practice the truth, they ARE the truth. When they tell you something, you know it’s the truth. You know they will do something they tell you they will do. If someone seems to be a certain way, then they are that way over time if it is indeed the truth. Just remember, the real person is the person they are when they are alone and no one is watching. You never really know someone until you have lived with them. That’s not an argument for shacking up, it’s an argument for familiarity.

A person’s energy level can also be a tell tale sign. Someone always on the go, with a running fast motor probably needs some type of intervention. Some one with no energy over a long period of time probably needs medical help for an internal problem. Energy level can be a good indicator of  emotional and physical health. You also need to share this energy level. You’ll create a lot of issues that need to be contended with if energy levels are too far off. Your personal speed throughout the day is a good indicator of future  compatibility. If you both jump up in the morning and get a move on to work, then enjoy the cool down at the end of the day, then that is a good sign. However, if one of you drags behind or is a night person, it could be a problem. You get the idea. 

Intelligence really has nothing to do with IQ. Some persons can be highly educated but lack a certain intelligence. This intelligence needs to be on an even level for any two people who are looking to make a long term shot at a relationship. You might even say it is a matter of wisdom. The type and importance of another person’s intelligence needs to be delineated for each person in the relationship. A decision as to the comfort zone of what each is willing to understand and endure  forever also needs to be considered.

Almost everyone wants to feel that wild, passionate romance with the person they marry. They want to be able to say “I do” with all the “jump off the cliff” finality and confidence that any success at this sort of thing brings. Chemistry is vital in any long term love. You and your partner may have a lot in common but if you aren’t sharing that “match strike” experience that makes you both do stupid things despite good sense, then you should not try to force that relationship into a romance. 

Living here in Los Angeles, it is easy for a guy to truly believe that women just want someone who is bank rolled. It sure looks that way, even to the casual bystander. But in reality what they are really looking for is the financial stability and responsibility to provide for the family. Even women who are doing quite well on their own will look for this. You might think that a man who is not so well off would be rejected by a successful woman because of the social stigma. You know, she want’s to be able to introduce you at parties as someone with a little “position” and “power” of your own, and that might have some kernel of truth to it. But mostly, deep inside, they want to be able to regard a man positively in their own hearts, and if they are doing better than you are, it’s hard for them to muster this up. Women are great, I couldn’t imagine a world without them, but you are asking a lot of the common woman to be a hero on your behalf.

Verbal intimacy is a big consideration in any close, personal relationship. Boys are generally trained to things outside themselves when they are young. They learn sports, cars and other trappings of male-hood, but they simply are not taught to speak from within themselves. They are not in touch with their inner lives. So talking about feelings, as women love to do, is considered frivolous and a waste of time by most males. 

Some say that this is in order for the man to remain emotionally detached so he can “kill”. In this case “kill” being the ability to ignore himself and his internal feelings in order to be able to provide what is necessary for the family, and we have just talked about how this quality is indeed important to women as well. How does a man learn to communicate at the deeper levels with a woman without dismantling the killer instinct that allows him to be able to produce for the family? Good question. Women are supposed to bring this quality out in a man, and since all qualities within women were at one time the completeness of mankind’s nature, then the transformation SHOULD result in a bigger and more mature person in the man (and the woman, too) . Remember, “the two shall become one.”

Conflicts must always be resolved. They will always arise, and dealing with those conflicts takes work. Do you have the chemistry of explosive romantic love in order to dig down deep for the strength to settle conflicts amicably between you? Love is about falling on the sword for the other person, what happens when both fall on the sword? Issues can be settled if you have a higher, ultimate truth. Finances for instance, can provide a higher truth. If there is no money for something, then simply there IS NO MONEY. Being conflicted over it is not going to change that, A higher hierarchy of rules that need to be adhered to is always important, that way, no one is the bad guy when things can’t be done.

We always have to ask ourselves just how much personal hygenie or lack of it will we be able to put up with? A man who lives like a pig will eventually invite you into his stye. Can you deal with that? How clean is a person individually? What are you willing to put up with or does it matter all that much? Remember, marriage magnifies, it doesn’t correct. 

Is a person punctual? Are they dependable? How much of a lack of those qualities will you be willing to put up with? Forever? Do you care if they forget important dates? Do they treat the calendar watching as frivolous while you attach your heart to those important dates?  What about orderliness? Does a clean car, a clean closet and a clean office matter to you? Do you have to clean every day while the other person waits three months before the mass exodus of filth is painstakingly wiped away? It’s important to know.

I’m not really here today to preach on the triune relationship between a couple and God, but spirituality is often an important component in any relationship. Christians know what they have to look for in a qualified partner, and it is pretty much the same with any other persons of other faiths. The structural hierarchy has to be established and adhered to in order for communication and understanding to proliferate. 

Shared interests are also of paramount importance. You’ll need several in fact. If you have six main types of things you are interested in, then a partner should have at least something to do with about three of them. What are you doing together if you are never doing things together?  What will you talk about if you are both looking out the window?

I personally do not believe in letting politics have the upper hand in my thinking. I treat political issues like a smorgasbord, and control what I will be involved with and not involved with. Some issues I share with those I don’t agree with and others I do agree with don’t get 100% of my loyalty either. This is because I realize that people  are rarely dedicated to the truth. All too often they ascribe their own likes and dislikes to the mantel of truth, and they fail to realize this most of the time. This is why pundits get a pass by me for the most part. 

Anyone who remembers the Donohue Show, from years ago, will remember how he used to have experts in one field come on his show and they could never agree. Yet, they were EXPERTS in the same field. These weren’t dumb people, they just couldn’t separate themselves from their own preferences in the name of the single truth of an issue. You might say that such a thing does not exist, but I would caution you that this is evidence of existential equivocation on your part. There is a right way and a wrong way to do things. Smart is smart no matter who uses it. Your allegiance to a particular “preference” politically needs to be considered in both form and importance when looking for a long term relationship.

Do you want kids? Does you partner want kids? Would you and your partner be drawn to parenting as something important and meaningful to have as a part of your lives? Remember, kids are  “stupid” and willful and can be a daily handful, one cannot consider the strain this can put on a marriage if everyone is not on board for the duration.

What about the values by which a person makes decisions? Things like honesty, generosity, community activities, environmental protection, human and animal rights, are all part of a long list of personal values, and if you hold these values in high regard, then they may indeed be the very thing that creates feelings of love within you from the beginning.

What about a person’s personal skills? How important for you is it that a woman know how to cook, clean and shop? How does she handle a mop and a bucket? No, no.. I am just kidding. Heh. But truthfully, shared skills on many things can be important, from dancing to important social skills. Of course, if you both play pool and she beats your butt on a regular basis, you will have to decide how important your own level of skill is in the final tally. 

My own father was a world class champion in his field of work, he was rated in the top 95% of the United States in his industry, but he couldn’t fix a door handle if you paid him for it. I, however, have learned how to do it. But don’t ever have me take apart a piece of electronics to try to fix it. You might as well throw it away once I get my hands on it. My mother didn’t mind any of this lack of mechanical inclination in our family line. God bless her.

Ambition can be a real marriage killer. If your partner has no force in them to strive for doing better and you do have this, then it can be a real grind on the relationship. Is it important that you have a partner who shares your ambition?  I have a billboard not too far from my house that has a happy married couple who sell real estate together, I am sure they do quite well, as they should.

Is age important to you? The older I get, the less I have in common with anyone 20 years old, yet I am still able to relate to them on a certain level, but there are of course considerations that cannot be overcome with many years of difference. The closer you are, the more likely you are in the same stage of life and have the same overall experience and wisdom. If you must have someone who is a child in comparison, then it might be best to have them not speak your language and be in need of residency. But do you want to adopt a marriage partner? Use common sense here folks, some age ranges as you get older are no longer practically available to you. That’s just they way it is.

Some feel that race can be an issue. But as I have said, race really doesn’t exist. We are all just variations on a theme. Don’t make a decision based on race, but you might want to consider culture. Culture can be a really important thing. If it bothers you that you have to remove your shoes before entering your girlfriend’s father’s house, then you might want to consider a lifetime of that and how important this issue is.

Sex is always an important consideration. The history of a partner may or may not mean anything to you. One can always forgive someone for a foolish and misspent youth, if indeed there has been real change, but habits can be formed early and result in a difficult pattern to break. On the other hand, if someone has NO experience, then they will of course contain the rustling behavior pattern. Is that a good thing or a bad thing for you?

Appearance can be a real pain in the rear to live with. Some men suffer from the 2222’s, and they never get married. What are the 2222’s? 2 short, 2 poor, 2 old, 2 ugly. I am just joking of course. But in our image conscious world of marketing and fantasy, appearance can be a deal breaker. (Just look at me.) I would like to think that most people, both men and women, are about love and the higher things beyond appearance. But most people are NOT heroes, they just cannot sacrifice the high they have been brainwashed with by Madison Avenue, for the real thing. Many people don’t even realize this. It’s very hurtful and inconsiderate to wear a T-shirt that says something like “No Fat Chicks”. But there is more truth in this supposed joke than men are willing to realize, and it’s all advertising brain washing. Just ask any overweight girl who just can’t lose the extra pounds. The isolation can be heartbreaking. Lots of men know this happens to overweight women. But they can’t do a thing about it. They just can’t. 

And hey, short men get the bad end of it too.

Think about these things, and a few others and see where you actually stand on these issues. Don’t just leave it up to fate, or “I’ll know it when I see it”.

But what about the things you can’t stand in another person. What are those things that are a deal breaker? More on this next time.