Another Lonely Valentine's Day?
So you’ve spent another Valentine’s Day by yourself. That’s not necessarily a bad thing, seeing as the holiday is really all about marketing. Especially the marketing of diamonds. If you think they are all that great of a gift, just consider that Prince William got a sapphire ring for his fiancee’ instead of a diamond. The Prince of England knows the true value of diamonds.
But let’s say you would rather not spend another year wishing and hoping and you would like to have some sort of plan. You wouldn’t of course want to force anything, these things of finding the person for you, for the rest of your life, are dynamic occurrences. They happen in the moment, but you can arm yourself better for keeping a look out for those who pose potential material that would suit you. So let’s talk about those things, both the things most people must have and those things that may be a warning sign to others and resulting in single Valentine’s days for you.
Any couple that is looking for long term happiness needs to be experienced in recognizing emotional health. No marriage is stronger than the emotional health of the weakest partner. If you are currently seeing someone who is overly self absorbed, paranoid, overly defensive, has anger management issues, or anything else that signals emotional health problems, then watch out. Marriage has a way of magnifying the problem, not solving it.
You also have to be able to trust a person. When they have a strong character, they are about truth. They tell you the truth, they practice the truth, they ARE the truth. When they tell you something, you know it’s the truth. You know they will do something they tell you they will do. If someone seems to be a certain way, then they are that way over time if it is indeed the truth. Just remember, the real person is the person they are when they are alone and no one is watching. You never really know someone until you have lived with them. That’s not an argument for shacking up, it’s an argument for familiarity.
A person’s energy level can also be a tell tale sign. Someone always on the go, with a running fast motor probably needs some type of intervention. Some one with no energy over a long period of time probably needs medical help for an internal problem. Energy level can be a good indicator of emotional and physical health. You also need to share this energy level. You’ll create a lot of issues that need to be contended with if energy levels are too far off. Your personal speed throughout the day is a good indicator of future compatibility. If you both jump up in the morning and get a move on to work, then enjoy the cool down at the end of the day, then that is a good sign. However, if one of you drags behind or is a night person, it could be a problem. You get the idea.
Intelligence really has nothing to do with IQ. Some persons can be highly educated but lack a certain intelligence. This intelligence needs to be on an even level for any two people who are looking to make a long term shot at a relationship. You might even say it is a matter of wisdom. The type and importance of another person’s intelligence needs to be delineated for each person in the relationship. A decision as to the comfort zone of what each is willing to understand and endure forever also needs to be considered.
Almost everyone wants to feel that wild, passionate romance with the person they marry. They want to be able to say “I do” with all the “jump off the cliff” finality and confidence that any success at this sort of thing brings. Chemistry is vital in any long term love. You and your partner may have a lot in common but if you aren’t sharing that “match strike” experience that makes you both do stupid things despite good sense, then you should not try to force that relationship into a romance.
Living here in Los Angeles, it is easy for a guy to truly believe that women just want someone who is bank rolled. It sure looks that way, even to the casual bystander. But in reality what they are really looking for is the financial stability and responsibility to provide for the family. Even women who are doing quite well on their own will look for this. You might think that a man who is not so well off would be rejected by a successful woman because of the social stigma. You know, she want’s to be able to introduce you at parties as someone with a little “position” and “power” of your own, and that might have some kernel of truth to it. But mostly, deep inside, they want to be able to regard a man positively in their own hearts, and if they are doing better than you are, it’s hard for them to muster this up. Women are great, I couldn’t imagine a world without them, but you are asking a lot of the common woman to be a hero on your behalf.
Verbal intimacy is a big consideration in any close, personal relationship. Boys are generally trained to things outside themselves when they are young. They learn sports, cars and other trappings of male-hood, but they simply are not taught to speak from within themselves. They are not in touch with their inner lives. So talking about feelings, as women love to do, is considered frivolous and a waste of time by most males.
Some say that this is in order for the man to remain emotionally detached so he can “kill”. In this case “kill” being the ability to ignore himself and his internal feelings in order to be able to provide what is necessary for the family, and we have just talked about how this quality is indeed important to women as well. How does a man learn to communicate at the deeper levels with a woman without dismantling the killer instinct that allows him to be able to produce for the family? Good question. Women are supposed to bring this quality out in a man, and since all qualities within women were at one time the completeness of mankind’s nature, then the transformation SHOULD result in a bigger and more mature person in the man (and the woman, too) . Remember, “the two shall become one.”
Conflicts must always be resolved. They will always arise, and dealing with those conflicts takes work. Do you have the chemistry of explosive romantic love in order to dig down deep for the strength to settle conflicts amicably between you? Love is about falling on the sword for the other person, what happens when both fall on the sword? Issues can be settled if you have a higher, ultimate truth. Finances for instance, can provide a higher truth. If there is no money for something, then simply there IS NO MONEY. Being conflicted over it is not going to change that, A higher hierarchy of rules that need to be adhered to is always important, that way, no one is the bad guy when things can’t be done.
We always have to ask ourselves just how much personal hygenie or lack of it will we be able to put up with? A man who lives like a pig will eventually invite you into his stye. Can you deal with that? How clean is a person individually? What are you willing to put up with or does it matter all that much? Remember, marriage magnifies, it doesn’t correct.
Is a person punctual? Are they dependable? How much of a lack of those qualities will you be willing to put up with? Forever? Do you care if they forget important dates? Do they treat the calendar watching as frivolous while you attach your heart to those important dates? What about orderliness? Does a clean car, a clean closet and a clean office matter to you? Do you have to clean every day while the other person waits three months before the mass exodus of filth is painstakingly wiped away? It’s important to know.
I’m not really here today to preach on the triune relationship between a couple and God, but spirituality is often an important component in any relationship. Christians know what they have to look for in a qualified partner, and it is pretty much the same with any other persons of other faiths. The structural hierarchy has to be established and adhered to in order for communication and understanding to proliferate.
Shared interests are also of paramount importance. You’ll need several in fact. If you have six main types of things you are interested in, then a partner should have at least something to do with about three of them. What are you doing together if you are never doing things together? What will you talk about if you are both looking out the window?
I personally do not believe in letting politics have the upper hand in my thinking. I treat political issues like a smorgasbord, and control what I will be involved with and not involved with. Some issues I share with those I don’t agree with and others I do agree with don’t get 100% of my loyalty either. This is because I realize that people are rarely dedicated to the truth. All too often they ascribe their own likes and dislikes to the mantel of truth, and they fail to realize this most of the time. This is why pundits get a pass by me for the most part.
Anyone who remembers the Donohue Show, from years ago, will remember how he used to have experts in one field come on his show and they could never agree. Yet, they were EXPERTS in the same field. These weren’t dumb people, they just couldn’t separate themselves from their own preferences in the name of the single truth of an issue. You might say that such a thing does not exist, but I would caution you that this is evidence of existential equivocation on your part. There is a right way and a wrong way to do things. Smart is smart no matter who uses it. Your allegiance to a particular “preference” politically needs to be considered in both form and importance when looking for a long term relationship.
Do you want kids? Does you partner want kids? Would you and your partner be drawn to parenting as something important and meaningful to have as a part of your lives? Remember, kids are “stupid” and willful and can be a daily handful, one cannot consider the strain this can put on a marriage if everyone is not on board for the duration.
What about the values by which a person makes decisions? Things like honesty, generosity, community activities, environmental protection, human and animal rights, are all part of a long list of personal values, and if you hold these values in high regard, then they may indeed be the very thing that creates feelings of love within you from the beginning.
What about a person’s personal skills? How important for you is it that a woman know how to cook, clean and shop? How does she handle a mop and a bucket? No, no.. I am just kidding. Heh. But truthfully, shared skills on many things can be important, from dancing to important social skills. Of course, if you both play pool and she beats your butt on a regular basis, you will have to decide how important your own level of skill is in the final tally.
My own father was a world class champion in his field of work, he was rated in the top 95% of the United States in his industry, but he couldn’t fix a door handle if you paid him for it. I, however, have learned how to do it. But don’t ever have me take apart a piece of electronics to try to fix it. You might as well throw it away once I get my hands on it. My mother didn’t mind any of this lack of mechanical inclination in our family line. God bless her.
Ambition can be a real marriage killer. If your partner has no force in them to strive for doing better and you do have this, then it can be a real grind on the relationship. Is it important that you have a partner who shares your ambition? I have a billboard not too far from my house that has a happy married couple who sell real estate together, I am sure they do quite well, as they should.
Is age important to you? The older I get, the less I have in common with anyone 20 years old, yet I am still able to relate to them on a certain level, but there are of course considerations that cannot be overcome with many years of difference. The closer you are, the more likely you are in the same stage of life and have the same overall experience and wisdom. If you must have someone who is a child in comparison, then it might be best to have them not speak your language and be in need of residency. But do you want to adopt a marriage partner? Use common sense here folks, some age ranges as you get older are no longer practically available to you. That’s just they way it is.
Some feel that race can be an issue. But as I have said, race really doesn’t exist. We are all just variations on a theme. Don’t make a decision based on race, but you might want to consider culture. Culture can be a really important thing. If it bothers you that you have to remove your shoes before entering your girlfriend’s father’s house, then you might want to consider a lifetime of that and how important this issue is.
Sex is always an important consideration. The history of a partner may or may not mean anything to you. One can always forgive someone for a foolish and misspent youth, if indeed there has been real change, but habits can be formed early and result in a difficult pattern to break. On the other hand, if someone has NO experience, then they will of course contain the rustling behavior pattern. Is that a good thing or a bad thing for you?
Appearance can be a real pain in the rear to live with. Some men suffer from the 2222’s, and they never get married. What are the 2222’s? 2 short, 2 poor, 2 old, 2 ugly. I am just joking of course. But in our image conscious world of marketing and fantasy, appearance can be a deal breaker. (Just look at me.) I would like to think that most people, both men and women, are about love and the higher things beyond appearance. But most people are NOT heroes, they just cannot sacrifice the high they have been brainwashed with by Madison Avenue, for the real thing. Many people don’t even realize this. It’s very hurtful and inconsiderate to wear a T-shirt that says something like “No Fat Chicks”. But there is more truth in this supposed joke than men are willing to realize, and it’s all advertising brain washing. Just ask any overweight girl who just can’t lose the extra pounds. The isolation can be heartbreaking. Lots of men know this happens to overweight women. But they can’t do a thing about it. They just can’t.
And hey, short men get the bad end of it too.
Think about these things, and a few others and see where you actually stand on these issues. Don’t just leave it up to fate, or “I’ll know it when I see it”.
But what about the things you can’t stand in another person. What are those things that are a deal breaker? More on this next time.
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