Another Lonely Valentine’s Day?
part 2
Every person on earth at one time or another is turned off by some type of behavior or qualities in the opposite sex. The best thing to do is to figure out before hand just what these qualities are for you personally. Once you have figured out just what those things you can’t stand are, then it’s time to write them down for good and you can watch for them in every new person you date. Should something come up that is on your list, then you can make a quick and classy exit from the situation.
Deal Breakers
These difficulties can be described as “deal breakers”. They are things about another person that turn you off so automatically that you could never see yourself spending the rest of your life with this person. Truth be told, no matter how many positive qualities a man or woman may have, the existence of one of these unpleasant traits will make up your mind immediately all by itself.
Addictions
But is that unfair? Are negative qualities permanent? Naturally, of course, we would all like to believe the best and have the hope that a person can change, and indeed they can, as a matter of fact. The problem is that some qualities can become so ingrained within a person that only divine intervention can make a difference. Addictions can be a prime example. These are usually learned behaviors and are extremely tough to change. If you have a hard time dealing with another’s addiction, then in the beginning it might be wise to consider that addictions are often the birthplace of a lifestyle.
You may want to instead, consider having the person get help and freedom from addiction before continuing on with the relationship. If not, then you are at risk of becoming that addict’s “go-to” person for all their failed moments of addiction.
Lying and Duplicity
But, let’s say, the problem is with lying? Remember that loyalty, the real loyalty, is not situationally dependant. If you see the other person lying to persons in customer service, or a policeman, or anyone else, then you had better believe that as soon as the bonds are loosened between you, and the person is not so loyal to you on an internal barometer, then you too will be lied also.
Have you ever been lied to? How did you react? Do you feel strongly enough to make this a top concern in your “deal breakers”? Lying can be a matter of duplicity also. As an example, I know of someone who has “pretended” about the true nature of a relationship for a very long time. It would be hard for me to imagine being friends with anyone who is capable of that type of long term duplicity. It’s hard to say why this happens with people, but when duplicity is at the center of the matter, anyone can be the next target.
Cheating
How about cheating? If you saw that someone was a cheater, would you run in the other direction? A deep and committed relationship may indeed be out of reach for someone who cheats. Cheating is all about selfishness. The person’s desire to gratify themselves is first and foremost in the person’s mind, and you may become a distant second. Anyone who has a habit of these infidelities has prepared themselves ahead of time to excuse and talk their way around them. Their rationalization is practiced and believable. But actions speak louder than words.
Domination
Some people out there have a thing for dominating others. They are control freaks, to be sure. They love to get everything they want and give back as little as they can. When they do give, there is usually a price tag involved. This could be with anyone, between anyone. Do you have a relative or roommate who constantly tries to get you to do things their way or think about things their way? Some people are so involved with themselves that they will purposely repeat the same conversations over and over until you see things their way. They really aren’t listening when you speak, they are just waiting for you to give up. Control freaks. Bullies from the school yard, some of them never grow out of it. Don’t ever have someone else take charge of your life, dominating behavior only increases with every inch it is given. Before you know it, you have no say so in anything.
Money
What if the person is financially irresponsible? Have they made a mess of their financial lives? Could you live with overspending, lack of discipline, and a disregard for budgeting? Some people learn early that the best way to quench their feelings of loneliness or inadequacy is to go to the mall and buy something, be it shoes or a rifle (hunting). If they have no control over their impulses, then you might as well decide right now if you can become a part of their red tape world.
Anger
Ever see the person you are with unload on someone in an angry tirade? Sometimes those other people can be loved ones or family members. This isn’t just a matter of feeling angry. Yelling is one thing, but physical abuse can be quite a whole other matter. This can include throwing things, hitting with a fist or kicking, a terrible potty mouth, and also abusive language. Could you put up with close quarters between you and a person who had a short, violent fuse?
Porn
You’re told by the media that it’s no problem, but porn can indeed be a problem, don’t let them lie to you. Porn turns human beings into things to be used for sexual pleasure. Can a person separate themselves from the fantasy and operate differently in reality? We would all like to believe so, but as I get older I am no longer convinced of this assertation. It’s my considered opinion that whatever you feed into your heart and spirit tends to take root there. The truth is we don’t have that kind of control, we are effected by everything and some people don’t even realize the how and why of their affectation. You can’t fool yourself.
Alcohol or Drugs
Do you know someone who uses alcohol or drugs beyond the safe limits, if indeed there are safe limits. Can you live with someone who uses either of these two to distraction? Does the person match your own limits on the use of these things? And what about family, does his or her family have a history of alcohol and drug use problems? Consider it.
Smoking
Smoking has a bad name these days. You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting some non-smoking laws somewhere, somehow. If you don’t list smoking as a deal breaker, then consider this: Second hand smoke creates birth defects, makes the blood acidic and can release whatever disease or physical difficulty that might be hiding in your genetic makeup. Smoking is death on a stick. Can you live with death on a stick?
Gambling
How do you feel about gambling? Did you know that professional gamblers rarely do so when there isn’t a major percentage of a chance that they will win? Common folk gambling is really just buying fun. Most people can’t beat the house, it isn’t designed to lose. Those free drinks at the casino are paid for somehow, mostly by those who lose. Money has much more constructive uses than to throw it a casino’s way. Ask yourself if, like a strip club, people who run casinos are really going to be the upright and good standing citizens of our society. Usually you are investing in the criminal element in our society when you gamble, and that is a majority of the time. This goes for offshore gambling, too. Better to give that money to those who are starving in the streets. But can you live with someone who may blow the mortgage on a gambling high?
Sexual Addiction
Does this other person have sex on their mind all the time? Sex is a drug, too. The person who constantly refers to it may have a problem you are only beginning to realize. Believe it, your body can become addicted to your own release of chemicals when orgasm is reached. If that person can’t satisfy this drive with you, then they WILL go somewhere else. Consider it.
Sloppiness
Sometimes a person can be sloppy about their personal appearance or even their living situation due to many factors. They can be too busy on more important things, or they can have higher priorities. But many times, they can just have bad management habits at home and in their personal upkeep. How would you feel about this sort of thing? If a messy car and dishes in the sink is a problem for you, then you had better prepare yourself for that sort of thing for the long haul and decide accordingly. Of course, if you too are a slob, then perhaps things will work out. But remember, sometimes two times the mess can get in the way.
Laziness
A person can also be lazy and not even realize it. Laziness can be attributed to many things, it can cause all sorts of behaviors too. If a person is blunt and rude and yet finds no problem with that, they may believe themselves to be committed to the truth. The odd fact of the matter though, is that they may also just be too lazy to be concerned about the condition and feelings of other people. Guarded by their intrepid alliance to being truthfull, they unknowingly insult and offend other people by not putting enough efforts into the social interaction that is needed. In my experience, people love politeness. They will beat a path to your door if you show them polite respect in everything you do. But this takes effort. A person can’t be lazy when being social. If you know someone who is blunt, check to see if their life has all the necessary factors one should have and you may see that indeed there is a strain of laziness in their lives.
Procrastination
Procrastinators are aplenty. There are people everywhere who always put things off until tomorrow. This is the reason for deadlines on bills and other matters of responsibilities. Many people just have a hard time doing the daily grind correctly, even in their own lives. They talk about tomorrow, but in truth, tomorrow never comes, and therefore, nothing gets done. So there are charges on bills and late fees and such that take advantage of the procrastinators out there who would never get anything done if it was up to them to run things all by themselves. Would this sort of thing bother you?
Gossip
One of the things I have learned in my professional life is that people can’t resist being important. One of the best, and sneakiest ways to get a point across to another person is to tell another person close to them a secret. OOO! I’ve got a secret! They tell themselves, and sure enough the other person gets your message. Never mind the fact that it was just between you and me. This is a gossip. Gossiping is flat out betrayal. Inside of most people there is a little ego maniac that just loves to be the important one who has some private information to tell you. I’ve done it myself, so I know. I’ve also used this in the past to get a message across to a third person. It’s not right, but you can count on it working. That’s how prevalent gossiping is in our society. People can’t help themselves. They should... but rarely do they. Keep in mind that if a person has a habit of sharing inside information, you may well be the next target. Would this bother you? Would this break the deal?
Inappropriate behavior
Let’s say you meet someone you really like. Then you go out in public and they exhibit inappropriate behavior. They talk too loud in social gatherings. They could, of course, be somewhat deaf. Deaf people often speak too loudly because they believe that you will not be able to hear them, due to their own voices being lower than normal to themselves. But still, this can be obnoxious and cause them to lose social contacts for seemingly no reason at tall, as far as they themselves are concerned. They may be lazy socially and make rude comments, laugh at the wrong time and have a bad habit of embarrassing people in the immediate area without even realizing it. Social awkwardness can be a real problem, and also a major condition to deal with. This could be just a personality trait that has been with them for a long time and something they have a blind spot about. How do you tell them they are obnoxious? Most people don’t, usually they just disappear from the other person’s life and the person is at a total loss as to why the same thing happens over and over again to them. Because no one tells them. But how can you? Would this be a problem for you in a valentine?
Stinginess
Other persons have a real problem with money. They may be stingy to a fault and not realize that social behavior always costs something. It’s only a correct thing socially to share costs. If we all go out to dinner, we should at least pay for our own meals. Of course, I realize that sometimes there are wrong policies about paying for a single check with a group. One can end up paying more of a percentage than someone else due to that person ordering more or perhaps something more expensive. These things should be settled ahead of time in order to avoid confusion, but would it bother you if your date was one of those who headed for the rest room when the check arrives? This can happen in other ways also, some people are not aware of their freeloader habits. This could be a real deal breaker for you since the behavior is often rooted in selfishness. This selfishness will show up in other parts of your relationship, too. Would this bother you? Would this be a deal breaker?
Potty mouth
Potty mouths can be a strange social phenomenon. If someone is from an environment where every other word is some hate filled expletive, they may be totally unaware that they have a language problem. But it can be a real deal breaker. Curse words are often the result of laziness too. They are an easy second hand reference for an emotional way of speaking. Not every word is an adjective for anything and everything, but their friends and family know just what they mean even though the choice of words is really way off the definitive point. In my experience, a potty mouth is angry inside about something. This anger is venting all the time in much of their speech. Unless they get rid of the anger and hate in their inner lives, this language will never go away and the anger will manifest itself in non verbal ways you may not like when the pressure is on in a tight situation. Trust me, it happens, and it is NOT fun.
Dependance
How dependant is the other person? Do they go to mom for answers too often? Are they a part of a group of friends that always need to be checked with before any decisions can be made? Keep in mind that behaviors like these and the others I have mentioned often DO NOT go away once a lifetime commitment has been made. Everyone needs to have some type of mature level of personal standing in their responsibilities, if not, then this person may go from person to person latching onto anyone who will help them to stand up, so to speak. Would this break the deal for you?
Arrogance
Relationships have to be a two way street of mutual sharing. If another person has an attitude that they are always right and know better than you do, they may have a problem with arrogance. It’s not necessarily their fault. They may have picked up this trait from someone who was a mentor in their young lives. Someone who WAS always right, and seemed to always make a success of things. It would be only natural for this person to adapt this attitude as a key to living, but would it break the deal for you? This too can be a blind spot, and is often the result of narrow vision in the social realm. Keep in mind that someone who has lived alone too long may have developed habits that are socially odd, due to their not being required to make the effort to accommodate the general populace attitude. They can find it restricting to constantly have to keep things simple and obvious in everyday dealings with other people, and this can come off as arrogant too. You would need to see the person’s whole picture of their lives to understand why this habit is so prevalent and un-obvious to they themselves.
Intolerance and Correctness
A lot of subjects like “spiritual intolerance” or “political correctness” can be a real sticking point for a couple. Many times the reality of these things comes down to a matter of definition. If you can’t even agree on the definitions of what these things mean or what they refer to, then there is going to be a real communication problem. There is, of course, always room for mature social compromise, and a deeper understanding of the other persons feelings and beliefs on these subjects. If this is possible, and can be successfully achieved over the long haul, then this can be a “deal maker”. The problem is that one never wants to violate someone’s conscience. If something is considered wrong, then it is wrong for them, and there is no getting away from that. It would also be wrong to try to convince them otherwise. Deal breaker? Maybe.
There are other, myriad minor points to consider, some I have not touched on at all, and you should have at least some of your own that are important to you. The point is, deal breakers need to be considered and not just given a back seat to infatuation or “love at first sight”. The best decisions are made by those who give paramount importance to the long term consequences.
I hope this has helped, and good love to you.
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